I started the year with a second date. A SECOND DATE! This is already a huge feat considering last year I went on 15 first dates and only 3 second dates. The date was wonderful; a hike at Rondeau Provincial Park with coffees in hand. Bundled up, cheeks rosy from the cold, flirty touches and hugs to stay warm from the weather. The date ended with him walking me to my door, giving me multiple nervous hugs, with him saying how much fun he had. A text message a few hours later saying how much he enjoyed the time and was looking forward to the next adventure. All the boxes ticked that it was a successful date.
Then nothing…
Ghosted.
The message I sent the next day unanswered. Blocked on social media; he only added me after the first date. No reason why. No communication. The experience of being ghosted in complete opposition to the experience of the date.
Has the act of ghosting become the social norm with online dating being the main way we meet someone? Has it become the more we swipe the more we disengage and lost the skill of clearly communicating; or even communicating at all?
The term ghosted gained popularity in the mid-2000’s with the start of instant messenger (IM). It started with the ability to go “invisible” status to ignore other people online and has increased in aggression to include abruptly cutting off any and all communication without warning.
There is an ease of ghosting when communication is mostly behind a screen. It’s easy to forget that there is an actual human being on the receiving end, with human feelings and emotions. Ghosting has become the easy way out allowing one to avoid difficult conversations.
It’s hard to imagine ghosting happening before the existence of online dating. I think back to my grandparents era when hand written letters were mailed and responses were patiently awaited. Although the term didn’t exist I’m sure the act still happened - a letter unanswered, however it seems like there were better, more acceptable reasons why - post lost at sea, a change of address without any way of letting them know, the plague, death… In todays era where it takes less than 10 seconds to send a text, it feels like ghosting is completely unacceptable. A copout. Reinforcing the lack of emotional intelligence and commitment required to build a successful relationship.
Being on the receiving end of such a heinous behaviour it’s hard not to replay every interaction like a detective to find the reason why. It’s hard not to take it personally and wonder what’s wrong with you, but we need to remember that it’s not about the ghostee but about the ghoster. It was a choice the person made, choosing ease, comfort and selfishness - all characteristics that don’t make them a good romantic partner.
It’s easy to question why the ghoster wouldn’t / couldn’t take the few seconds to send a simple message - “It was nice meeting you but I’m just not interested. I wish you all the best.”, however, that would require a level of honesty and vulnerability that someone who ghosts doesn’t have.
Do we just have to accept that ghosting is regular part of the current dating experience?
Maybe ghosting has its place? Can it be considered a good thing as it helps eliminate potential partners quickly, because who wants to be with someone who doesn’t have the emotional or intellectual intelligence to clearly express themselves?
I know I for one have no patience for it, valuing clarity and communication, I refuse to chase confusion, and the act of ghosting only creates confusion.